Pillow, sweet pillow…

I’m tired. 

I’ve been tired for a couple of months now. 

These days, I get the children fed, clean and herded into bed, then I curl up on the sofa or my bed, and that’s the end of my energy.  I just can’t find the energy to write, or even turn on my computer.  I haven’t logged onto my facebook since the August snow day.  I try to keep unread email to a manageable number, scanning through every few days deleting the junk and reading what looks like important stuff, but I can’t seem to face sifting though the rest. I might read a bit some nights, particularly if I have a historical or science fiction novel I can lose myself into another time or universe with, until the words start blurring on the page.  Otherwise I’ll drowsily push the remote control buttons, flicking through the channels randomly until it’s late enough to justify going to bed.  About 8:30 seems an acceptable bedtime. 

Normally when I get a tired patch, I take some supplements, have some early nights, and come right after a few days. But that doesn’t seem to have helped this time. 

I notice that there is an undercurrent in my thoughts.  When I go shopping, I’m thinking “bread, milk, cheese…” but underneath that there’s a thought thinking “those shelves are stacked awfully high.  Better walk in the middle of the aisle.  That looks like a good spot if you need to dive for cover.” Coffee at the Addington Coffee Co-op, I’m thinking about which slice looks tasty, the thought underneath is thinking “I don’t like the look of those brick walls.  Let’s sit at this nice sturdy strong looking table.” Walking along the footpath, I’m talking to the children about their school day, thinking about what’s in the fridge for afternoon tea, but underneath the thought is thinking “That concrete block wall has some nasty cracks and is leaning slightly.  The grass verge there looks like it’s just beyond any potential trajectory”.

I’m not conscious of feeling anxious or stressed. But the undercurrent of alertness that is mostly subconscious I think is taking a lot of energy.  So I just feel tired.  So does everyone around me. Talking to others, this tiredness seems to be a common Christchurch complaint at the moment. I suspect its a “normal” part of the emotional recovery process.  I don’t know how long this tiredness will last.  So if you don’t see me online, you’ll know why. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, my pillow is calling my name.